Learning to Argue Saved our Marriage
Marriage is a journey filled with love, laughter, and shared experiences. It's also a journey that inevitably includes moments of disagreement. As a queer married couple, we've learned that the way we navigate these disagreements deeply impacts our relationship. In this blog, we’re going to share a personal story of how learning to argue improved our marriage, and offer some advice for other couples on how to argue better and grow stronger together.
Our Story: A Journey in Learning
Early in our relationship, we realized that our arguments were often more destructive than productive. Our disagreements escalated quickly and left us both feeling hurt and disconnected. After both of spending some time in therapy, it was clear that something had to change if we wanted our relationship to thrive.
One day, after a particularly heated argument, we decided to sit down and do some reading about how to have healthy arguments. This lead to us having an honest conversation about how we argue and what we want to change about how we argue. This conversation itself was a significant milestone for us. We started learning what we needed to do to change how we argued. These are the changes we made:
Advice for Arguing Better in Your Relationship
Open Communication: The foundation of any healthy argument is open and honest communication. Make sure both partners feel safe and heard. Create a space where you can express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns without judgment.
Active Listening: Listen to your partner with genuine curiosity and empathy. Seek to understand their perspective rather than immediately formulating your response. Repeat back what you've heard to ensure you've understood correctly.
Use "I" Statements: Using "I" statements can help prevent blame and defensiveness. For example, instead of saying, "You never help clean," you could say, "I feel overwhelmed when I have to handle cleaning the room by myself."
Take Breaks: When arguments get too intense or emotional, it's okay to take a break. Agree on a signal or safe word that both of you can use when things become overwhelming. Stepping away for a short while can allow emotions to cool down and provide a fresh perspective.
Compromise and Solutions: Approach arguments as opportunities to find compromises and solutions that work for both of you. Remember that winning the argument should not be the goal; rather, it's about strengthening your relationship and understanding each other better.
Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, couples need external support to work through persistent issues. Don't hesitate to seek the guidance of a relationship therapist or a relationship coach who can provide valuable insights and strategies.
Learn and Grow: Every argument is a chance to learn and grow as a couple. Reflect on past disagreements and discuss what you've learned from them. Use these experiences to evolve and improve your communication.
Learning how to argue better has been a transformative journey in our marriage. It's not about avoiding arguments but rather about approaching them with respect, empathy, and a commitment to understanding each other. We hope that our story and the advice we've shared can help other couples, regardless of their backgrounds, strengthen their relationships through more constructive and loving communication. Remember, love is not just about how well you get along during the smooth sailing but also about how you navigate the storms together.